Day 15 - Backlash

It is as if there was a backlash on my inability to meditate.  Not only did I have a terrible day yesterday, but my mountain of negative thoughts remained with me this morning.  I had to try again and again to get my focus back this morning.  I repeatedly failed, but that's ok.  More negativity than I could muster. I made it through the workout.  With more focus I could have done more, but I worked hard and still managed to get up a sweat.  The best thing is that through the cloud of negativity, bitterness, anger and fear I was feeling I managed to hone in on what I believe is the source of the problem.  I am too unfocused.  I have too many goals and am constantly spreading myself too thinly.

This was a blessing in my younger days as I proved myself capable of taking on challenges.  I also learned, early in life, that the less I have to do, the more miserable I am.  I learned this when taking only 7 credits one semester to get some "down time" while writing (or not really writing) a thesis and attending one class a week.  I spent every day holed up playing Final Fantasy or some RPG and every night with my music groups developing a hatred for singing that would take nearly 10 years to unwind and even when it unwound I never found the pleasure I formerly had.  So the following semester I did the opposite - I loaded up to 20 credits including 3 MBA courses, took leadership positions in student groups, did an internship 20 hours a week in a brokerage and reignited my social life.  It was one of the best times of my life and I never forgot it.

Well that pendulum strikes in both ways indeed.  There are limits and I have surpassed my own.  I need to accept that.  I need to accept that it is ok to try your best and fail.  What is not ok is to keep driving on when you are deeply unhappy.  When you are overwhelmed it does not make sense to stubbornly try and keep juggling everything while the balls drop behind you.  Unfortunately, the easiest solution is to back off of the things that I enjoy in life, but this is not an ideal solution either otherwise all you have is work and misery.  Instead, I need to find a way to minimize the drain of those things that are dragging me down, even if that is a scary path.  However, the key is to implement one change at a time.  When I try to change them all, I will only fail.

I have a lot of reflecting to do and I'm scared.  The fear makes me angry and I run away by continuing to do what I do rather than face the fear head on.  I am hoping to find the courage and strength I need to soldier forward.